Double Edge Sword
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: She knew she'd always want to know and she'd always potentially be hurt by what she found out. That was the double edged sword of knowledge and memory but so long as she had them to go looking for her if she felt like running away she'd always be ok.


**Double Edged Sword**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None specifically but general spoilers for late series 4

**Pairing:- **None

**Rating:- **K+

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:-** She knew she'd always want to know and she'd always potentially be hurt by what she found out. That was the double edged sword of knowledge and memory but so long as she had them to go looking for her if she felt like running away she'd always be ok.

**Author's Note:- **In answer to the disappearance challenge where one character disappears fir a short time and the others have to find them. Enjoy and reviews would be very nice thank you!

"Gerry where's Sandra?" Jack asked coming out of Sandra's small office at the far side of theirs. It was 10am on a very ordinary Tuesday morning and he could see absolutely no reason for their boss to be missing. "Did Strickland summon her?"

"Nah, not that I know of mate she wasn't here when I arrived this morning I assumed she'd contacted you to say she wasn't coming in." Gerry replied barely looking up from the paper in his hand as he did. "6 letters small domestic animal something-E-something-something-I-something."

"Gerbil." Brian replied walking through the door his lip still slightly swollen from his trip to dentist which had kept him late that morning. "Where's the guvnor? Don't tell me Strickland's collared her again? How are we supposed to get any work done if he keeps monopolizing her time."

"No we don't know where she is. Gerry's been in since 9 and she's not been in yet. She didn't call you or leave a message with you last night that you forgot to tell us?" Jack sighed as Brian shook his head,

"Did you try ringing her?"

"Ringing her Gerry why didn't we do that why did it take the technophobe who doesn't use a phone if he can avoid it and certainly doesn't use a mobile to point out the obvious!" Jack snapped the scepticism in his voice obvious as he sat down behind his desk. "Of course we tried ringing her there's no answer at home and her mobile is going to voice mail. You both sure she didn't say she was going anywhere today?"

"God Jack relax." Gerry sighed getting up and putting the kettle on rolling his eyes at Brain as Jack disappeared back into Sandra's office again and they saw him flip through her desk diary. "What's his problem? You'd think she was a 12 year old or something she'll arrive and when she does she'll either tell us where she's been or tell us to mind our own bloody business probably the latter."

"You know what he's like since they fell out that time over Gordon Pullman. If she does anything even slightly out of the ordinary he thinks she's up to something again and stirring up the past. You know he thinking she should just leave it."

"Yeah well I agree with him." Gerry replied handing Brian a coffee and setting one on Jack's desk as he sat down losing interest in reading his paper. They both knew that where her father was concerned Sandra frequently let her better judgement be over ruled by her desire for answers and now that Brian had brought the subject up he was as concerned as Jack appeared to be.

"We're bloody idiots I'm going looking for her you stay here in case she comes back." Jack shouted grabbing his coat off the stand by his desk and rushing toward the door.

"Jack are you going to tell us what the hell is going on?" Gerry called after him as the older man stopped by the door for a second.

"It's 16th September Gerry! How the hell could we have forgotten? If she comes back here just keep her here ok?" Jack explained before finally disappearing through the door as Gerry stared at Brian his confusion not having lessened at all with the vague explanation.

"He's right, Jesus Christ if I hadn't been so bloody distracted by the dentist I'd have remembered We should have said something last night, let her knew we had remembered and we were there to support her." Brian sighed slamming his fist on the desk before starting to get up.

"Don't you bloody move until you explain properly what the hell this is all about!" Gerry shouted his irritation growing by second "He may be so old he's seen something significant on any given date and you may be a walking bloody internet search engine but I'm still in the dark here so do you want to fill me in? What's so special about the 16th of bloody September?"

"Gordon Pullman killed himself …. 35 years ago today." Brain replied after doing a quick calculation in his head. Like Jack he couldn't believe they had all missed the significance of the day.

"Well screw that then I'm not sitting around here babysitting the bloody furniture where might she be? Come on Brian you're the one who knows every detail of the situation where's significant? Were might she be?"

"Well she's not going to be at the house Grace moved and sold up when she went into Whitemead besides she'd not go there." Brian replied as they both grabbed their coats and followed Jack out the door reaching the car park just in time to see him drive away. "Maybe she'll have gone to Whitemead to see her mother."

"Nah Grace is the last person she'd want to see right now you know where her dad's concerned they fight more than they comfort each other."

"What about the MET memorial garden it's on the way between her house and here. If she was planning on coming in to the office and changed her mind it would be on her way."

"I don't think she'd be there but you might be on the right lines with the memorials. Fasten your seatbelt I have an idea." Gerry said quietly pulling out of the car park and heading toward the other side of the city where he knew they cemetery was that Sandra's father had been buried in.

"You know a call if you're not going to come into the office wouldn't go a miss." Jack said quietly as he approached the stone bench Sandra was sitting on and sat beside her. "I'm sorry we should have remembered earlier what today was. Are you ok?"

"Sorry I didn't leave home intending to come here I was heading for the office but suddenly I was here I didn't mean to worry you all." Sandra sighed putting the bunched up tissues in her hand into her pocket and smiling weakly at him. "How did you find me?"

"Educated guess. I know days like this are hard Sandra but we love you and we're here to help."

"It's fine Jack, honestly I was just leaving anyway." Sandra sighed going to get up as he rested his hand on her arm stopping her. "I was honestly; it doesn't feel the same anymore. I used to come here every year and tell him what had been happens with me and feel close to him. Now I don't know what I feel anymore but I know it hurts and I can live without it."

"Do you see now why I kept telling you to let the past lie? Dredging everything up now just makes it all more painful. Finding out all the things you have might sometimes make you feel a little more knowledgeable or a little more in control but every new fact chips away a little at the memories you had. If you keep doing it eventually you're going to have a mountain of facts that you can never change just by knowing them and an equally large pile of broken memories you can never repair."

"Isn't that better than living with a lie Jack?" Sandra asked looking at him with eyes so full of need for reassurance that it broke his heart.

"I don't know I can't answer that for you Sandra only you can. Looks like we've got company." Jack smiled nodding to the other side of the cemetery where Gerry and Brian had just got out of the car and were talking toward them.

"Seems like I'm that predictable." She laughed smiling as he shook his head.

"No you're just surrounded by people who love you. Come on let's go get a coffee somewhere." Jack smiled as she took his arm and headed back toward the others. She knew she would always find it impossible to ignore the things in her past and her father's. She knew she'd always want to know and she'd always potentially be hurt by what she found out. That was the double edged sword of knowledge and memory but so long as she had them to go looking for her if she felt like running away she'd always be ok.


End file.
